Forgiveness is the miracle of a new beginning. It is to start where we are, not where we wish we were, or the other person was. It is to hold out a hand; to want to renew a friendship; to want a new relationship with husband, father, daughter, friend, or indeed enemy. It may not take away the hurt. It does not deny the past injury. It does not ignore the possibility and need for repentance and a change in the relationship. It means being willing to take the initiative in dealing with any barriers that I may be raising towards a restored relationship. It means that I am willing to have a relationship with the other party that is based on Christian love and not on what has happened in the past, if the response of the other person makes that possible.

Paul Thigpen, a contributing editor for Discipleship Journal, in speaking of the difficult steps he went through in forgiving his father, found it helpful to repeat his willingness to forgive aloud, as if speaking with his father, until he felt a sense of relief. He describes the meaning of forgiveness in these terms:

Two New Testament words we translate "to forgive" mean literally "to let go" and "to cancel a debt". I found that at times the phrase "I forgive you" seemed empty, so I said, "I release you. I let you go. I let go of this offence. I cancel your debt. You owe me nothing now. I renounce my desire to get even with you." That way, the imagery of this biblical language filled the word "forgiveness" with a more specific and concrete meaning.

Of course, it is always on the cards that reconciliation may be impossible because of the unwillingness of the other party to be reconciled or to admit any fault in the matter. However, I am not responsible for their actions, only my own. Quin Sherrer, a freelance writer, tells in Decision magazine of the devastation it caused in her life when her father left her mother to marry his secretary. Quin was 12 years old. Years later she came to a deeper commitment to Jesus when she asked him to be Lord of all of her life. Not only did she tell Jesus that she forgave her dad, she also asked him to forgive her for all the bitterness, hate and resentment that she had built up over the years. She began to write him letters. Sometimes he wrote back hateful letters, but each time she chose to forgive him. Twenty-five years later, just before he died, he told her plainly, "I'm glad you forgave me." Forgiveness may lead to reconciliation or it may not, but they are not the same. Paul recognises this when, in writing about our attitude to those who wrong us, he says, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone" (Romans 12:18).

It is significant, on this point, that Jesus' statement in the Sermon on the Mount, "God blesses those people who make peace", is immediately followed by "God blesses those people who are treated badly for doing right." (Matthew 5:9,10). John Stott, in The Message of the Sermon on the Mount perceptively comments:

It may seem strange that Jesus should pass from peacemaking to persecution, from the work of reconciliation to the experience of hostility. Yet however hard we may try to make peace with some people, they refuse to live at peace with us. Not all attempts at reconciliation succeed.